Blasphemy
by Amberwind2001
Summary: DG comes to some startling conclusions about a certain 'good' witch, and manages to ruin tea in the process. Crack!fic, no pairings


**Author's Note: **First piece of Tin Man fic, yay! All the standard disclaimers about how I don't own the characters apply, although I really wish I owned Glitch so he could be my personal walking talking handbag.

I've mixed up a bunch of different OZ origin stories in here, including a bit from the original Baum books, a bit from _Wicked_, a teensy bit from the miniseries, and some of my own dementedness. This fic was heavily influenced by the Cracked article "5 Reasons The Greatest Movie Villain Ever is a 'Good' Witch" linked in my profile, and a couple of the lines from that article were so good they begged to be included. I mean no disrespect, and I'm certainly not making any money doing this, so please don't sue me. Also, I fly without a wingman, meaning this baby hasn't been beta'd. You are warned.

OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ~OZ

**Blasphemy**

In the six months since the Eclipse, DG had butted heads with Tutor and her other instructors on numerous occasions. But today's history lesson had been a quiet one, at least on the surface. With Tutor recovering from a bout of Emerald Flu that had left him without the ability to talk, she had spent her time pouring over a tome detailing her namesake's first visit to the O.Z., writing notes on a spare piece of parchment. It was a piece of history she had already been instructed on verbally in the past, but Tutor was so relieved that she was studying anything without prompting or argument that he let her be.

Cain had watched the day crawl by from his post at the door, with DG taking copious notes and a small furrow developing on her brow. Shortly before the lesson would have normally ended, she leaned back and started reviewing what she had written, growing more agitated as she worked until she finally stood and began pacing. When Tutor had tapped the table to signal the end of the lesson, she had marched past Cain without acknowledging his presence, muttering under her breath.

DG stormed through the doors of the private study where her family had gathered for afternoon tea, visibly perturbed, closely followed by Cain.

"Is everything alright, my Angel?" the Queen asked, shooting a concerned glance at Cain, who shrugged his shoulders minutely, as confused as everyone else in the room as to the source of DG's foul mood.

DG looked at her mother, inexplicably annoyed, before throwing up her hands and flopping into an overstuffed chair. The Queen gave DG a reproachful look, and finally DG began talking – or rather, angrily ranting. "I just really don't understand the lack of common sense. I mean, did anyone actually think about what she did before deciding she was some sort of hero and turning her into a holy figure? When you read the historical account, it gets clear really fast that she was a manipulative bitch, and no one else involved was even half evil enough to understand exactly how she was playing them!"

A wave of confusion swept through the room, before Glitch broke the tension. "Um, who are you talking about, Doll?"

"The 'good' witch, Glinda," replied DG, rolling her eyes and twitching her fingers in air quotes around the word 'good'. If she hadn't worked herself up into such a lather, she would have found the reactions from the room's occupants instructively hilarious. Glitch's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide with shock. Her sister Azkadellia gasped and dropped her half-full tea cup, splashing creamy tea onto what was surely a very expensive rug. Ahamo made a faint choking noise, while her mother went incredibly pale. In contrast, Cain went a very interesting shade of red in embarrassed shock.

DG didn't notice any of this, however, choosing instead to continue in her rant. "It's silly that anyone would call her good. Think about it – Dorothy gets picked up by a rogue travel storm, along with most of her house, and lands in the middle of a Munchkin village traumatized and disoriented. When she manages to get her bearings enough to look around, she sees the mangled bloody legs of someone sticking out from the bottom of the pile of rubble that used to be her home. Glinda floats in and starts interrogating her, firmly planting the idea in Dorothy's head that she's responsible for the witch Nessarose's death, in spite of the fact that anyone with a functioning brain could tell that the entire thing was nothing but a terrible accident. By the time Nessarose's sister Elphaba shows up, Dorothy is completely guilt-ridden and shell shocked, and doesn't deny it when Elphaba accuses her of murder."

As DG spoke, her family continued to stare at her, stupefied by how worked up she had become. Glitch's jaw snapped shut audibly, even as he continued to stare at his friend. Azkadellia's hands shot up to cover her mouth as her eyebrows rose in surprise. Cain, though, began to visibly calm as he mentally processed what she was saying.

"Then, Glinda decides to stir the pot even more, reminding Elphaba about the silver slippers and shimmering them onto Dorothy's feet when she reaches to pull them off her sister," DG continued, oblivious to the turmoil of her family. "Never mind that Elphaba was Nessarose's only family, and that wickedness aside they were legally supposed to go to Elphaba as next of kin."

Cain snorted in amusement at her assertion, finally drawing DG's attention enough to earn a glance as she persisted in her line of reasoning. "Glinda reminds Elphaba that the shoes can only be taken off a living person if they voluntarily remove them, so now they're essentially superglued to the feet of the girl who 'murdered' her sister. Glinda's made sure Elphaba is good and pissed at Dorothy, and for good measure tells Dorothy not to take the shoes off because this woman is obviously evil and wouldn't want the shoes unless they were super powerful. Glinda managed to manipulate a confused little girl and a grief stricken woman into attacking each other when they should have _both_ been pissed off at _her_ perky ass."

This time the choking sound came from the Queen as her cheeks colored with the beginnings of rage at her daughter's impertinence. Ahamo reached over and grasped his wife's hand in support, even as he tried to keep his lips from twitching into a grin.

"Dorothy's got a woman she's been told is the embodiment of evil gunning for her, when she's not actually done anything but stand there like a chump. Instead of telling her to stay right where she is, in a place Elphaba can't hurt her, Glinda convinces Dorothy to go looking for the Wizard in Central City, since he's the only one who can send her home. Which is a total lie, since he was just a slipper like her with no magic whatsoever. She manages to pick up a couple friends and fight her way through the O.Z.'s regular hazards as well as Elphaba's attacks, only to be told upon getting to the Wizard that she has to kill Elphaba and bring him proof before he'll even think of helping her. So she's gone from being accused of a murder she wasn't responsible for to being told she has to murder someone in order to get home, like she's some sort of hit-man specializing in witches!"

Cain began to smirk at DG's impulsive rant, even as he was becoming impressed with her analysis. Glitch put an arm around Azkadellia, who was looking faint, and tried to give a stern glare to DG, only to glitch halfway through the expression. He wound up glaring at the teapot instead.

"Dorothy and her friends get in, kill Elphaba, and come back to Central City. The Wizard offers Dorothy a ride home in the balloon he slipped over in, but totally fumbles it and leaves her behind. Only _after_ that does Glinda show up and reveal, 'Oops! By the way, the shoes you've been wearing? They were actually capable of transporting you home any time you wanted.' I mean, it's awfully fishy that Glinda managed to work Dorothy, Elphaba, and the Wizard in such a way that Glinda's two main magical rivals are dead, the Wizard is duped into slipping back over, and the person in the middle of it all is sent home. Not to mention that right after that, Glinda disappears from the history books and Mombi shows up and starts making Elphaba and Nessarose look positively angelic by comparison. I wouldn't be surprised if Mombi was just Glinda without the sugary sweet cover story."

DG blinked a couple times as she finally ran out of steam. The varying levels of shock, anger, and amusement in the room finally hit her, and she grinned sheepishly. "How was your day, Mother?"

Ahamo finally lost his battle against the laughter he'd been holding in. As the Queen sputtered and tried to figure out which of the slippers in her family to start berating for their disrespect first, Cain allowed himself a quiet chuckle and leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. He reflected as he watched the royal family's afternoon tea dissolve into chaos that if it weren't for her delivery, the kid would have made a good Tin Man.


End file.
